The other day I said something I hadn’t intended at the time to hurt anyone, but now that I look back. There is no way I would have picked up on it if I hadn’t been there. I just had no idea the extent of it, and how it would affect her. I’m sorry and I have no excuse
I can do things I will regret, but I am not ready to bring tears to my eyes over it, no matter how much my thoughts and actions may be a reflection of the way she feels as she sits alone at the front and watches those who come through her door with no care in the world to come through her door…
The day I said these things about myself to you, dear reader, was like sitting up in bed and looking out the window at the world over the past two decades. Before, the eyes of those who came through the front door to be served made it clear to me that the world was a dangerous place. Before, I felt myself at home. Before I felt that I belonged. I came through that door each and every day and I did not know that I was being watched. It wasn’t as though I felt the people inside there watching, there was no danger to them, of course.
There was only an understanding of the place that existed outside, yet inside I found myself at peace. A world of innocence in the world that was a threat to me no longer existed in a world that was an enemy that I had to escape in order to survive. I became one with the land I loved more and the people who would seek peace to protect themselves against my enemy. They had come so far to see peace. I had to show them what the world would look like with me gone, to keep them from making the same mistake I made on the day we got married. I had to show that they had nothing to fear.
That’s the day I was saved, and that’s the day I had to explain everything I knew about myself to you. I had to tell you before I let myself go.
I went into the night, feeling like I was lost, but not knowing what to do or whose side I should be on. It took me several long, long minutes to regain my bearings and try to find a place to sit with my back against the wall and close my eyes. My eyes were wide open, and my mind filled with my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own actions, my own thoughts about everything in the world, everything I had ever experienced. It was like coming out of a trance; like I was flying through space again. I couldn’t stop crying.
I began reading every text under the age of twelve, though I have always enjoyed reading this medium more since I was younger. I don’t really have anything particularly to say about it, except to thank you all for being patient and understanding. I’ll try to put the last few chapters here so you can read the other stuff I’m doing now and all of the other stuff that is coming to you later. There’s a lot of things being published, so I will need an excuse to put up some more chapters at a quicker rate than usual.
I might try to take a page or two from what’s going on over in your comments section so hopefully you can provide some insight into what it’s like to be a writer right now and to what you think would be the best thing to do to help me push forward as a person and a writer.